One thing I really like about myself is that I am a very positive person. I keep life in perspective most of the time and try my best to find the good in everything and everyone, even though anyone can tell you I am by no means perfect at it. My writing on this account has reflected that pretty well: doing things that scare you = a bolder, better you working towards future success and personal growth. It’s not EVER easy. It’s scary as hell.
The thing about boldness is that the harder it is to be bold, the more you grow from it. Sometimes, it takes time to realize how a scary experience can make you grow, because just as often as boldness can bring immediate confidence and growth, it can bring immediate defeat. Confidently yelling the wrong answer, getting hardcore rejected, cute fun things like that. Is it worth the risk? Well, boldness improves you over time and I think you are worth more than the feeling of defeat. I had an experience of defeat after boldness yesterday, and honestly, I’m still not over it and never want to experience it again. But I know it’s teaching me, like all challenges seem to do when they are over. I’ll guide you through what that felt like:
I signed up for a ZYN 22 HIIT class. It started at 4:30. It ended at 5:30. I had work at 5:45. I left my house at 4:00. I live 25 minutes away. So stress was already setting in then I get there. I’m surrounded by beautiful people in the best shape of their lives, I ran out of water before the class even started, the instructor keeps yelling coming up to me to help me because I know where nothing is, and the rotations are super fast so I’m spinning in circles in a room full of beautiful strangers feeling like the dumbest person in the world. I leave ZYN 22 post death and embarrassment, stressed out of my mind to get to work but not thinking with my mind because its literally dead. Out of nowhere I slam on my brakes as a car pulls out in front of me to turn left. I think he’s a idiot and look up to see I ran a red light and I’m in the middle of an intersection and people won’t stop screaming at me and I feel like the worst driver in the world. So now I feel ugly, out of shape, clueless, and now just stupid. Not fun. Being bold to sign up for a hard workout class with fort worths most fit people will teach me more on humility, trying new things, and challenging yourself in order to grow, but in that moment, I was letting it teach me that I wasn’t athletic enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough to figure out a circuit. I was simultaneously letting anxiety control me to a point of being so focused on a time I wasn’t focused on not dying in a car accident. I faced a couple realities that day.
I know I have two choices: Dwell in failure or embrace the challenge. Im looking to embrace it, but there’s a huge stumbling block in the way:
Being bold is sometimes hard with anxiety.
I never want to neglect the difference between feeling anxiety and having anxiety. Everyone feels anxiety, not everyone lives with it and watches it control every aspect of their life. I don’t want to claim a diagnosis, but I know that random panic attacks over nothing and consistently worrying about what others think of me isn’t healthy or normal in the extent that I experience it. Doing things that scare me is my way to free myself from this anxiety that worries what people think and feel over how I think and feel, and limits new experiences because of all the “what ifs”. Practicing telling anxiety to go screw itself is my way of waging war with it. Anxiety is a big part of my story, but learned one of its tricks. Its like a cloud on a sunny day. Its right in your face and will block the sunshine: an opportunity to grow and be a better you, but it places itself right in front so all you see is something dark, something untrue: hinting at a dreary day. In time, the sun always shines through. Clouds are thin and shallow and I’m making myself cringe with this metaphor but I’m not wrong!!!!! Keep fighting anxiety. Declare war. Fight it hard. I made myself say 10 good things about myself after I cried in my HIIT class. It’s a bold move to fight that big of a fight against a force that always seems to win. I see my friends, my generation overwhelmed with anxiety. I hate it. It’s time to wage war.
Your personal growth is worth more than comparison, self degrading thought, and that horrible thing called anxiety. You are worth more than that. Boldness has risks, but you are so worth it.