why am I crying in a zyn 22

One thing I really like about myself is that I am a very positive person. I keep life in perspective most of the time and try my best to find the good in everything and everyone, even though anyone can tell you I am by no means perfect at it. My writing on this account has reflected that pretty well: doing things that scare you = a bolder, better you working towards future success and personal growth. It’s not EVER easy. It’s scary as hell.

The thing about boldness is that the harder it is to be bold, the more you grow from it. Sometimes, it takes time to realize how a scary experience can make you grow, because just as often as boldness can bring immediate confidence and growth, it can bring immediate defeat. Confidently yelling the wrong answer, getting hardcore rejected, cute fun things like that. Is it worth the risk? Well, boldness improves you over time and I think you are worth more than the feeling of defeat. I had an experience of defeat after boldness yesterday, and honestly, I’m still not over it and never want to experience it again. But I know it’s teaching me, like all challenges seem to do when they are over. I’ll guide you through what that felt like:

I signed up for a ZYN 22 HIIT class. It started at 4:30. It ended at 5:30. I had work at 5:45. I left my house at 4:00. I live 25 minutes away. So stress was already setting in then I get there. I’m surrounded by beautiful people in the best shape of their lives, I ran out of water before the class even started, the instructor keeps yelling coming up to me to help me because I know where nothing is, and the rotations are super fast so I’m spinning in circles in a room full of beautiful strangers feeling like the dumbest person in the world. I leave ZYN 22 post death and embarrassment, stressed out of my mind to get to work but not thinking with my mind because its literally dead. Out of nowhere I slam on my brakes as a car pulls out in front of me to turn left. I think he’s a idiot and look up to see I ran a red light and I’m in the middle of an intersection and people won’t stop screaming at me and I feel like the worst driver in the world. So now I feel ugly, out of shape, clueless, and now just stupid. Not fun. Being bold to sign up for a hard workout class with fort worths most fit people will teach me more on humility, trying new things, and challenging yourself in order to grow, but in that moment, I was letting it teach me that I wasn’t athletic enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough to figure out a circuit. I was simultaneously letting anxiety control me to a point of being so focused on a time I wasn’t focused on not dying in a car accident. I faced a couple realities that day.

I know I have two choices: Dwell in failure or embrace the challenge. Im looking to embrace it, but there’s a huge stumbling block in the way:

Being bold is sometimes hard with anxiety.

I never want to neglect the difference between feeling anxiety and having anxiety. Everyone feels anxiety, not everyone lives with it and watches it control every aspect of their life. I don’t want to claim a diagnosis, but I know that random panic attacks over nothing and consistently worrying about what others think of me isn’t healthy or normal in the extent that I experience it. Doing things that scare me is my way to free myself from this anxiety that worries what people think and feel over how I think and feel, and limits new experiences because of all the “what ifs”. Practicing telling anxiety to go screw itself is my way of waging war with it. Anxiety is a big part of my story, but learned one of its tricks. Its like a cloud on a sunny day. Its right in your face and will block the sunshine: an opportunity to grow and be a better you, but it places itself right in front so all you see is something dark, something untrue: hinting at a dreary day. In time, the sun always shines through. Clouds are thin and shallow and I’m making myself cringe with this metaphor but I’m not wrong!!!!! Keep fighting anxiety. Declare war. Fight it hard. I made myself say 10 good things about myself after I cried in my HIIT class. It’s a bold move to fight that big of a fight against a force that always seems to win. I see my friends, my generation overwhelmed with anxiety. I hate it. It’s time to wage war.

Your personal growth is worth more than comparison, self degrading thought, and that horrible thing called anxiety. You are worth more than that. Boldness has risks, but you are so worth it.

Advertisements

stimulating your growth by battling fear

I signed up for a speech contest last week. I had to write a speech about the Rotary 4-way test and present it to the local rotary club and was basically guaranteed a minimum of 25 dollars. This doesn’t really seem like a huge deal- I mean its just me talking to a bunch of people 60 and above who will probably love any word that comes out of my mouth, but to me, it was a big deal. I had a speech impediment that controlled my life for a really long time and even though I’ve worked hard to talk fluently, public speaking continues to terrify me. This is no bueno since its an essential skill I need to have if I want to achieve my fullest potential as a doctor. So, how do I get over it? How do we as people conquer our fears that are keeping us captive to complacency. How are we supposed to grow as people towards our goals when we have a whole list of things keeping us back.

Three steps

  1. Get out a paper, an index card, the back of a napkin… whatever. Something to write on and something to keep. Make 4 boxes by splitting the paper in half both ways. Fill the top left one with things you are good at. I know you can think of some and if you can’t, dig a little deeper because you have so many gifts and amazing qualities. For me, I know I’m good at encouragement, academics, getting motivated, and getting active.
  2. Fill the bottom left box with how these traits will help you achieve your goals, but before you do this, think about what your goals are. These can be simple goals like waking up earlier, being nicer to your people, etc. or professional ones like an occupation or athletic goal. For instance, I want to expand my network of people and get to know the people around me better, and my ability to encourage can help me reach that goal. My academic and motivational abilities can be used to help me be a doctor. Etc. Etc. Etc. How are your gifts helping you reach your goals?
  3. The top right box requires honesty and introspection; what am I not so good at that I can fix through changing my habits? I’m not good at walking without tripping but that can’t really be changed through habits, but what can is my lack of public speaking ability. I can speak more, like I did in the speech contest, to make myself a better speaker. This is the lower right box. How can I change my habits? Maybe your body doesn’t feel energized and you need to change your activeness, or maybe you procrastinate and need to change your work habits. Think about what is in your control and how you can change your habits to become the best version of you

Did you notice anything? If your boxes look like mine, the top right box is full of fears, and the bottom right box is full of ways to break them. Fighting fear is essential to equipping yourself to fulfill your capabilities. It’s scary, it’s uncomfortable, but your personal is greater than the power of fear and far more important. Go after it girl.

adios twitter

When I think of self love, I think of a face mask, some candles, and a hot shower. I think of something to get me out of my head for just a second so I can forget all of my todo lists and focus on me for just a minute. And it’s good. It’s healthy. It’s so so necessary. But real talk. Self love looks like a whole lot more than 15 minutes once a week. Its pursuing your passions with confidence and giving up anything keeping you from reaching them. It’s standing out a little more because you are creating healthy habits, physically and mentally, which is a bold move. Self love is loving yourself enough to want your body and mind to reach their fullest potential, so you are left with no excuse as to why you can’t accomplish anything in the world that you want to. This looks different for everyone, but to me, it looks a little like these 7 things:

  1. Working out. It can suck. But when it becomes a habit to make yourself stronger and be more active, it feels awkward to have a day off. Preparing yourself to become physically healthy is a process, and it doesn’t look a certain way and it has everything to do with balance. It doesn’t look like starving yourself or trying everything in your power to change your body shape. It’s changing how you feel. Personally, I love the energy I have when I work out, and it amps me up to work harder and feel better in my day to day life!
  2. Eating better. This goes with working out, and it doesn’t look like only drinking green juice and eating your veggies. Its about knowing what your body needs and knowing when you are full. If you are hungry, your body is telling you to feed it, listen to it! If you had a hard time, treat yourself to some ice cream girl if thats what your body needs. But listen to your body when you think eating something would slow you down or make you feel all gross inside.
  3. Writing. I think in prose. Thats just how my mind works. If I formulate something the least bit profound, it comes lyrical with big vocabulary. Instead of bottling this up, I started journaling what I was feeling so I could navigate it a little bit more. Something writing everything out is healthy so your brain doesn’t have to hold it all in. Release your thoughts and let that ish goooo.
  4. Reading. Same with writing, but practicing simple life skills is a form of self-love because you are training your mind to reach its fullest potential of learning. Whether its reading because you want to open your mind to new perspectives and vocabulary or writing so you can speak better. I’ve starting to read and write more to strengthen my mind so in the future, I am prepared to be the best doctor I can possibly be. Thats my dream, and everyone has one that requires mental persistence and intuitiveness that only comes through opening up to new learning opportunities. What is stopping you from starting right now?
  5. Deleting toxic social media. Snapchat is a wonderful thing for many but for me, it became toxic when it became a substitution for real, authentic relationships in my life. But everyone has a snapchat, it’s considered a little odd if you don’t. I had to make what for me was a bold move: choosing to love myself enough to let go instead of holding on to what everyone else told me to do. I had to give up some “friendships” that I later found out weren’t even friendships at all, because the level was so shallow it only existed for an app. People are worth more than that. Recently, Twitter became toxic for me because of the energy I encountered on it. My opinion is honestly brutal so I have to just say it: I think people seek comfort through complaining over what a lot of the time is minor inconveniences to gain sympathy or receive affirmation because they are not receiving it from other people or from themselves. @ myself all day long. I caught myself becoming self conscious because I was placing my worth in affirmation I got from social media and being “relatable” instead of from myself. Again, I needed to love myself enough to let go, but I also needed to love myself enough to pour into my feelings and seek out more authentic methods to express them. I need to love myself enough to not let myself become so dependent on what everyone else thinks of me, so I’m taking a step back.
  6. A proper shower. Made complete w exfoliating, moisturizing, shaving, deep conditioning. Skin care is a way I often make myself feel like a priority, and being squeaky clean is a good feeling friends. This becomes dangerous when it’s a primary self love strategy because its super temporary (I’ll spill something on myself within 30 mins guareented) but its a healthy and easy way to make yourself feel special.
  7. Time alone. The song I Don’t Mind by The Head and The Hear literally says “time will heal your soul, its time alone” . This can be taken a lot of different ways, but the consensus is that alone time is good. People are great but can sometimes be exhausting, which makes us want to isolate ourselves sometimes. For me, the best way to get healthy alone time without crossing that border into isolation means taking advantage of the time alone I already have. Time alone I spend walking my dog, singing in the car, running… I need to take advantage of it! I’ve started playing my favorite songs, talking to myself to discern my thoughts, or just walking through my goals for the day in my head so I have everything settled with me before I start investing in other people. This way I have used my time alone wisely and get less exhausted and annoyed with what going on around me. Also, a way to avoid isolation while spending time alone is being alone with other people around. Grocery shopping, coffee shops, you name it. A balance between our need for alone time and our need for people is so so essential.


eighteen

I’m kicking off my eighteenth year of life by reflecting on my seventeenth which was full of a heck of a lotta growth. Seventeen was an important year because it was a bold year. It was the year I decided I was only going to grow if I did things out of my comfort zone. I started talking to all kinds of new people, writing, goofing off in public, and caring just a little less of what everyone thought. It’s an ongoing process that I’m having to fight for everyday, because its not easy to stop people pleasing and doing things because YOU know they are right, even when no one else really understands it. Type 2 enneagrams, ya feel? This year, I narrowed it down to ten small things I did that scared me but instead of running away from that fear, I danced with it!!!!!! (thank you Ben Rector for not only that song but that entire album).

1. I planned an entire friend trip by myself in Austin. I drove, we crashed on a couch for two nights, and kicked off summer by exploring Austin for three days by ourselves. It was scary because I was in a new area trying to have it all figured out, but time away from home to explore new things is so fun because you find out what you like!!! We danced our way through the ATX and didn’t really care who saw.

2. Speaking of dancing, I bought 5 concert tickets last year. 3 of those 5 times I bought the ticket without knowing who would go with me or if someone would go with me! This scared me because I am planner and it makes me a little crazy when I don’t have my ish together but there are such moments of joy when you decide to do something spontaneous like singing and jumping with a group of strangers you just met to genuinely good music that has a type of meaning to it. Something personal and deep in the lyrics that when heard live makes you feel something deep, which can be uncomfortable but feeling is part of living so these concerts were a type of LIFE that consisted of living in the moment to just feel something!! such raw authenticity without distraction. Lots of joy.

3. I jumped off a cliff into the lake. This one was the hardest because unlike most irrational fears, there were risk involved. Okay not really but kinda?? Maybe there was a sharp rock at the bottom!! It took physical action which made the physical jumping into new opportunities so much harder but also a greater symbolism of going feet first into what scares you the most- whatever those mysterious deep waters may be. I sat there like an 8 year old just staring down until I saw an ACTUAL 8 year old jump off this 20 something foot cliff then my pride got the best of me and forced me to jump. The freedom of breaking that barrier of irrational fear made me realize the irrationality of fear and how strong of a grip it can have in withholding us from opportunities to experience life. I jumped off that dang cliff so many more times and am counting down the days until I can do it again (warm weather I miss you)

4. My tennis team went undefeated this year and that had so much to do with our energy. Building that energy was the scary part. You see, I’ve always been an internally goofy person, like once you get to know me type of goofy, but I never vocalized it as a kid so I was never used to being loud. I never wanted to share my ideas or jokes because I minimized their importance, which is so unhealthy because everyone has the potential to contribute to each others perspectives by sharing such ideas and experiences. I wanted to hide that I was loud, and silly, and smart because I didn’t want to be judged and years later I still struggled with that on the court. Because of this I’d keep it in and watch it build up and transform into frustration and anxiety. SO in district finals, something came over me that fear would not continue to control my emotions. I went up to my doubles partner and said, girl we’re getting loud and excited and if Boys doubles 1 can’t hear us we aren’t loud enough. We spent the match cheering for our teammates and celebrating our good shots and we won 6-2 6-3 against girls who never beat us. I was overjoyed the whole match about just how much I love that sport. Did there moms get mad that we were so excited? Yes, but it was positive energy and not derogatory, so I told myself it was okay they didn’t like me. Which for my people pleasing self took a lot of boldness.

5. I grew up with a speech impediment that made it hard to talk, and I’m 98% over it. It took over a part of my childhood, and enrolling in public speaking for my senior year of high school was basically a big declaration of “screw you speech impediment you dont have power over me anymore!!” I’m rocking this class, but having to talk everyday when I grew up never wanting to speak is still scary. I’m embracing the silly inside of me that hid for so long, and truly, I’m proud.

6. I’m a coffee person because I’m a people person. Some people just think I have a weird obsession with caffeine, and I guess they are half right but I’m not letting opinions like that control the true reason why I like coffee shops so dang much. PEOPLE!! People everywhere!! Talking, laughing, studying, ah this sounds creepy the more I type it. My local coffee shop has a weekly email chain where all you gotta do to get free coffee is read the encouraging email and answer a question. A vulnerable question. Yikes. But you know, a student has to take advantage of anything free, so I started studying at coffee shops and opening up a little to my barista about whatever the question was. Questions like What failures have you grown from? How do you make your work culture more positive? Sing a song from Hamilton (y’all I don’t sing but for free coffee a girls gotta do what she’s gotta DO). It forced me to open up to people and y’all. People are magic. Encouragement is power and we have so much to give each other. I’ve started to become a little more open and admire people for what they do right, even though I’m human and constantly fall short of that goal. I’ve become a little more vulnerable and have watched myself grow from knowing the different people I’ve met in coffee shops and in life, and hopefully I’ve contributed to their story a little bit too.

7.  My college decision was the most I’ve ever opened myself up to judgement, and there’s been a lot of it. Long story short, I’ve known I was going to do medicine since third grade when I’d make ice bags for my clumsy sister and whip out the bottle of Bactine when homegirl got all scratched up. I fell in love with the number one public premedical University- University of North Carolina- but was super discouraged when I found out the had not only a 24 percent acceptance rate but an 18% student body capacity for out of staters like me (turned out to be an 11% acceptance rate for OOS). I read forums of kids with perfect test scores, valedictorians, overachievers, all declined or waitlisted. I wanted to give up but I knew I belonged there, so I applied. It was scary applying out of state and feeling called across the country, but I knew if I got in I was lucky to have the opportunity to go, so I went for it. Even though UNC was a top 5 public school and has this program, I received lots of feedback with a negative connotation Feedback like “why UNC thats so random, are you sure” or “do you really think you can live so far away” or “why would you ever leave Texas”. Deciding to leave what I know and explore a new place and top education was a scary consideration, but when I surprisingly was accepted, it was the quickest and scariest yes I ever said. It’s still scary, but its what I’m supposed to do, so I’m being bold and chasing after it.

8. New state = new friends. Facebook and Insta have been my go tos for new UNC friends, but its always awkward reaching out to people and totally putting yourself out there to be flat out REJECTED man!! Like ouchie!!! I forced myself to slide into some dms to make some gal pals!! and as always boldness seems to pay off!! I have a roomie!! People are people, and I learned that as much as I would love for someone to reach out and want to be friends, someone else would probably love that as well. We’re all people who need people, so why not just go for it!!! Go make some new gal pals!

9. We’ll keep this one short. I hate dating because I don’t like opening up. I made myself go on dates. Ah. At least I have some funny stories now, but I also have a higher self confidence about meeting new people!! Woooohoooo

10. I decided I am worth more than the back burner, so I had to leave some toxic friendships at seventeen. I was tired of being used only for homework help or to lift someone up without mutual investment, so leaving when its hard but its right was a bold move. I grew into a wide array of people who love me for silly goofy ME!!! It’s the healthiest I have ever been.

 

writing

the recollection of thought is a lost art yet like most beautiful things, it is fearful. Both the confrontation of others and the confrontation of one’s own thoughts cause one to be transparent and truthful. And truth is hard but the truth is real, allowing us to see what is most significant in the world and cling to it. So while it is easier not to think, not to learn, not to write, I will choose to, as knowledge into my own thought can contribute to my knowledge of the complexity of what surrounds me.

introduction

hey y’all! My name is Meg & I started this little project to write something real. In a world full of where hiding true authenticity is so so easy, I want to write something honest. Something true to me and who I am, even though I’m young and still figuring out the complexity of what that means. AKA, don’t expect lifestyle or fashion tips like many other writers because I’d have to pretend to know exactly what I’m doing and let’s be real… I don’t. Ha.

I’m growing, I’m learning, I’m experiencing new things, and I just want to write about it. Particularly, I want to write about boldness. Boldness: Unapologetically exclaiming exactly who you are. Going after goals that seem impossible until they are accomplished, held, and known. Working hard when the bags under your eyes are weighing you down and all you want to do is sleep. Staring adversity in the face and pushing through it. Being kind to unkind people. It all takes a beautiful type of boldness that demands you to be truly unapologetic in exactly who you are. This boldness allows you to do exactly what you want to do despite anyone else’s standards. There’s beauty in being exactly who you were meant to be.

There’s something difficult about that wonderful thing called boldness. It makes you stand out a little bit more, and that’s never really been human nature. The way I see it though, I can either coast behind the scenes, or do the thing that scares me and learn from it. Grow from it. Love people through it. Make a difference in the life of another person. Understand just a little more of the person I was created to be. That is exactly what I want to write about: making the choice to be a little riskier, a little bolder, and a little louder, and how those choices have made me a little stronger, a little smarter, and a little more in touch with the stories of people around me. I hope my writing can encourage you to push past complacency and truly fulfill the extent of who you are and what you want out of life. I hope I can encourage you to do the thing that you are scared of doing.